Some thoughts on… Asking for help

In the midst of the holiday season, we encourage a spirit of helping our fellow man and giving to those who have less.  But, the arguments against the Affordable Care Act seem to be counter to this sentiment. 

At a core level, the Act provides coverage to everyone in the US regardless of pre-existing conditions.  Detractors argue against additional entitlements to those less fortunate and who need coverage.  A New York Times article, found a majority of uninsured people polled also disapprove of the law.  This survey is surprising given that these are individuals that would presumably benefit most from the law.  

This makes me wonder if people are acting against their longer-term self-interest.  Perhaps people feel it shows weakness to receive support from the government.  So, why do we find it so difficult to ask for help?  Let’s see what the arts have to say.

In the movie Gravity, director Alfonso Cuaron provides a breathless view of existence in space.  His astronauts are caught in a storm of debris that tears them away from their shuttle and literally sends them spinning in space.  Sandra Bullock is the novice weighed down by earthly circumstances who is looking for a way to recommit to life.  George Clooney is her celestial savior. The film sends us soaring through a galactic vacuum and makes us realize that we must all fight to be grounded.

All is Lost follows a similar theme of an individual thrown into a survival situation. Robert Redford is sailing alone in the middle of the Pacific when a stray cargo container strikes his craft, thus leading to a series of challenges.  Like the astronauts, our protagonist is very resourceful, but his pleas for help go unheeded by the large corporate behemoths encircling the seas.  None of us can take for granted that we are going to be saved.

We all need help at some point, but we are disinclined to ask.  One reason for the reluctance may be that we don’t recognize that we need help.  In situations of emotional, physical or spiritual trauma, getting back to safety by ourselves is difficult.  But we do have in our control the ability to pause, take a breath and be aware of the situation.  Then we need to ask for aid.  The danger here is that we are happy to continue spinning because it allows us to escape from our realities.  But, inevitably staying in this space will lead to a crash back to earth with even more dire circumstances.

The reluctance could also come from a fear or concern that our request for help will be unanswered.  Initial requests for help that are unheard, leave us empty and bitter.  After repeated events, we start feeling insecure or unworthy.  The only solution here is not to give up, but to be persistent.  The uninsured individuals in the polls may fall in this second category, because their opposition to the Act may come from a fear of costs and a sense that the system has betrayed them before and so are unwilling to seek further help.

Many of us fall into this situation, where we know we need help but are unwilling to ask, because of fear of rejection.  For the new year, it’s good to remember that lending a hand to a request for support will make it more likely it comes back to us when we need it.

Happy New Year and Best Wishes for 2014.

Some thoughts on… Living Life

September was a momentous month.  In a three week period, we were part of 2 weddings and 1 funeral, and the events have reinforced perspectives and priorities in our life.

The first wedding was between Ilan Gutherz and Sonali Bloom, who we have known since she was five when studying for our PhD at Columbia with her father David.  She essentially was our first god-daughter.  The wedding was held in the middle of a rainstorm in a beautiful garden on the campus of Wellesley College.  It was a monsoon wedding, with the skies pouring down blessings in the middle of the ceremony. 

Everything was perfect.  The event emphasized why society looks forward to marriages –  the beginning of a life together, the shared commitment of two families, the love of relatives and friends.  The most cherished feeling is the sense that a new generation takes on the responsibility of protecting the future of the planet through the bond they create.

The funeral was the death of Alexandra, the 11-year old daughter of our close friends Anne and Mario.  She passed away after a brave nine month fight with osteosarcoma (bone cancer) which was diagnosed in January.  The aggression of the tumor was startling, but throughout Alexandra battled with the tenacity of a child who knows she has an entire life in front of her.

 

There is no plausible explanation for such tragedy.  Children, who were healthy less than a year ago, should not pass away.  Life provides scant fairness and little comfort.  All we can do is hope for healing, strength and serenity for the survivors.

The second wedding was between Klaus and myself. We had over 160 people attend out in Sag Harbor, and it was joyous despite and because of the other events.  

If there is a learning we take from September, it is that life is precious because of the love that we share with the ones around us.  As described in the reading by my sister at our ceremony from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery, life only has true meaning when we take responsibility for the ones we tame (an abridged version of the text is below).

The point of life is to live it.  We eventually must part from the ones we are responsible for, making it all the more important that we cherish the precious moments, occasions and time that we do have with them. 

===

 

Excerpt from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery

It was then that the fox appeared.

“Good morning,” said the fox.

“Good morning,” the little prince responded politely, although when he turned around he saw nothing.

“I am right here,” the voice said, “under the apple tree.”

“Who are you?” asked the little prince and added, “You are very pretty to look at.”

“I am a fox,” the fox said.

“Come and play with me,” proposed the little prince, “I am so unhappy.”

“I cannot play with you,” the fox said, “I am not tamed.”

“Ah! Please excuse me,” said the little prince.  But after some thought, he added, “What does that mean – ‘tame’?”

…

“It is an act too often neglected,” said the fox. “It means to establish ties.”

“ ‘To establish ties’ ?”

“Just that,” said the fox. “To me you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys.  And I have no need of you.  And you, on your part, have no need of me.  To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes.  But if you tame me, then we shall need each other.  To me, you will be unique in all the world.  To you, I shall be unique in all the world…”

…

“Please – tame me!”

“I want to, very much,” the little prince replied. “But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and great many things to understand.”

“One only understand the things that one tames,” said the fox. “Men have no more time to understand anything.  They buy things all ready made at the shops.  But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more.  If you want a friend, tame me…”

“What must I do, to tame you?” asked the little prince.

“You must be very patient,” replied the fox.

…

“And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

…

“Men have forgotten this truth,” said the fox, “But you must not forget it.  You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.”

 

October 4, 2013

Some thoughts on… Standing Still

The Supreme Court reviewed two cases this week that examine the issue of marriage equality in the US.  One of them contests the Defense of Marriage Act which federally defines marriage between a man and woman, therefore excluding over 1000 national benefits to same-gender couples, including medical visitation rights and inheritance tax.  The second is a review of California’s Proposition 8, which places in limbo tens of thousands of couples who were granted marriage but whose status is in question after the referendum passed.

One potential outcome for both cases is that the Court may choose to do nothing, arguing that it is not their responsibility to decide these cases.  Given the outpouring of support for marriage equality from conservative and liberal constituents, such a move by the Justices might be considered a slap in the face to the public, and a failure to move forward a civil rights issue in the country.

But is it a failing of leadership for the Court to stand still and do nothing?  Let’s see what the arts and life have to say about this.

The Oscar-winning movie Lincoln brings together an extraordinary team of artists – Steven Spielberg, Tony Kushner, Daniel Day-Lewis, amongst many others – similar to how the 16^th President brought together a cabinet to lead a country and to address the issue of slavery in the United States.  The movie is an homage to the man widely recognized as one of the greatest Presidents with Day-Lewis transforming into the role.  Kushner based his screenplay on the book Team of Rivals, and narrates ably from the erudition of legal concerns to the cut-throat politics of implementation.

It is Spielberg’s steady hand that brings the story to life.  Although pedantic at points, he shows us that below the noble intention of Lincoln’s decision to end slavery through constitutional amendment there is a seamy underbelly of politics which must be reckoned with. To lead the country through the brackish waters to a more perfect union, hands must get dirty, ultimatums offered, and half-truths paraded.  At times, it seems the President is pulling the boat by himself with little help from the country.  But we know that is a mistake.  If the tides weren’t pushing with him, he likely wouldn’t have taken on the Herculean effort.

In our recent visit to Burma, we saw a country on the cusp of tremendous change.  A few years ago tourism was 500,000 people a year, next year it will be 3 million.  No country can adapt to this level of change – neither the infrastructure nor the people can remain the same. The military government opened the doors to reformation, and the global population is streaming through.  At the cross-road between India, Thailand, and China, all the super-powers – Japan, US, China, Russia – are vying for the natural resources and geo-political stature that the country affords.  The impact of changing from an autarky to an open economy for the government officials is obvious – they will make a fortune.  The impact on the people is yet to be seen.

Given isolation over the past 50 years, the populace had been sheltered from the machinations of capitalism.  Blackberries don’t work in the country and internet is still dial-up.  All Buddhist men at the age of 18 are required to go to the monastery for two years.  Food is readily available, but there is little luxury.  Opening up the country will undoubtedly bring improvements, but change for change’s sake is not necessarily the optimal path.  The government’s role in leading through this time is critical.  They could push heavily for commercialization and industrialization, leading the charge towards a more modern state.  It will definitely make money for people at the top.  If they choose this course, they need to recognize that growth and development towards a western ideal may come at the cost of losing the authentic nature of the country.

A large part of a leader’s job is to move people to new positions or new grounds that they may not necessarily have gone to on their own. Whether on the battlefield, in the workplace or in politics, people look to leaders to provide direction on the way forward.  Hopefully, the new destination is better than where they were before.  In the case of President Lincoln, if he were not in front steering the ship towards a new path, it may have taken decades to remove the yoke of slavery from the neck of the US. 

Many times though, leaders may not need to steer because the people are already moving in a preferred direction.  In these cases, the most a leader should do is gently guide the group towards the chosen path, and at a minimum not be an obstacle to the progress.  This is the hardest job, because leaders instinctually feel they need to be out in front.  In the case of the Burmese government, their best role may be to let the people have a greater choice on the direction and rate of change, and gently nudge or stay out of the way.

For the Supreme Court, if they choose not to rule on these two cases they are demonstrating a more gentle leadership style.  The lower court rulings would still be upheld, and they would be staying out of the way of progress.  It is not a failing of leadership to do nothing in this situation.  If they do rule on the cases pushing for marriage equality, then they put themselves in a situation where they need to force a number of states to follow.  This is a more accelerated and difficult path for the country. 

If done right, both choices demonstrate leadership, and as the protagonist sings in Bombay Dreams, “Sometimes standing still can be the best move you ever make.”

March 31, 2013

Some thoughts on… Achieving Status

Reflecting on the beginning of a new year, it’s time to think about achievements and make resolutions to accomplish even more for the next year. For example, personally I achieved Executive Platinum status on American Airlines for the first time in 2012, and wonder if it is possible to pull it off for 2013.

Whether the goals are professional or personal, why do we feel a need to strive so hard every year? Let’s see what the arts have to say.

Clifford Odet’s play Golden Boy at Lincoln Center was first produced in 1937, and maintains its relevance as ever today. The story follows a 21 year-old concert violinist, Joe Bonaparte, who gives up decades of training and practice to pursue quick fortune by entering the professional boxing ring. Joe’s ambition drives him fast towards a destiny that he believes will bring him happiness. Away from the life of musical introspection that his middle class, Italian family fostered, he seeks a journey that will catapult him to instant fame.

His story is similar to the multitudes of young individuals looking to establish themselves in a changing world. Seth Numrich portrays the arrogance and charisma of a boy becoming a man, willing to cast aside childish notions of musical perfection for the adult needs of acknowledgment and status. Tony Shaloub plays Joe’s father with pathos and a tragic recognition of the potential costs of this pursuit. A musician’s profession may not be glamorous enough for a young man seeking success, but in the trade-off he forgets the joy that a more humble life brings to others around him.

The film version of Les Miserable is a grand spectacle bringing to screen visuals hard to imagine on a Broadway stage. The novel of Jean Valjean’s lifetime penance for crimes he committed as a youth, and his foil Javert’s commitment to punishing him, is established in the Western ethos. Hugh Jackman carries the movie on his wolverine shoulders, but it’s a heavy load. Anne Hathaway as the ‘can’t take your eyes off her’ Fantine and Eddie Redmayne as the revelatory Marius provide support, yet the weight of the spectacle overcomes in the end.

Victor Hugo’s story still sings though. Javert’s solipsistic pursuit of a wrong that shouldn’t be righted is misguided and heartfelt. Jean Valjean, after a lifetime of self-preservation and flight from his identity, realizes that his true triumph is not survival but the happiness of his daughter. In this final feat, he accomplishes more than he has in his lifetime.

Like Joe and Jean Valjean, in youth we seek achievement as a way of establishing ourselves, getting the things we want and have yearned for. We seek status for ourselves. Once we get those though, we could keep gathering more, but it becomes a relentless pursuit towards an ever-moving goal.

The difficult part is shifting gears to striving to make ourselves better, not to achieve status, but as an appreciation of life. Recognizing that lacking this impetus, we are wasting the time given to us. The motivation changes to making ourselves better through the success of other - by mentoring, by training or by transferring wisdom to those we love around us. If we cling too tightly to our own purposes, like Javert, we lose true north and have nothing more to give ourselves. As Javert sings before his demise:

I am reaching, but I fall
And the stars are black and cold.

As I stare into the void

Of a world that cannot hold

January 13, 2013